Well tbqh I wasn't really sure what to expect with this poll, but I certainly wasn't expecting a TIE between man purses and friggin nitrous balloons.  Interestingly there is one lone vote for whistles, you know who you are, and, unsurprisingly, no love for the airhorn.  Damn that airhorn.




a week in Austria also meant a week with Harrison, who was the worlds best tour guide slash travel companion, pictured here as a 1960's opera singer.

We spent the first day walking around, taking in sights and getting history lessons, and doing some shopping.  I really wanted lederhosen, because, lederhosen, but they are SO EXPENSIVE you guys, the basics cost 300 euro and they go all the way up to 1000 euro for ONE PAIR.  Just wishful thinking for now. 

Dinner was a delicious Austrian tradition: Cheesy sausage with fresh horseradish and spicy mustard called kasekrainer. omnomnomnom













armed with a water bottle full of vodka and a few cans of redbull, we travelled down to the Prater, Vienna’s amusement park on the river.  I was kind of expecting a Santa Monica Pier level of development here, and was pleasantly surprised to find that this was actually a full blown amusement park.  In the middle of the city! fascinating.













Nothing gets you (me) more excited than bright neon lights and glowy things.  Also, pro tip, being at an amusement park drunk is INFINITELY more entertaining.

 We drove go karts, rode the big flippy upside downy one (I think that’s what it’s called) and also rode this really big chair swing ride.  You know that ride where you sit in the chair suspended by chains and it swings you around? well this is the tallest one of those in the world.  It was awesome. 

View from the top

So one water bottle and 2 redbulls later we (mostly me, again) were starting to get pretty drunk.  There was this spooky clown ride that we kept walking past until finally I was like YOU GUYS we have to go in this spooky clown.  What is this spooky clown.  I dragged everyone in assuring them that it would be fun, and it was HORRIBLE.  It was a super janky nauseating “funhouse" that was not at all fun and after I felt a little violated. 

If you ever find yourself in Vienna stay away from the spooky clown. 

After the amusement park we went to a club nearby called Pratersauna, and stayed until sunrise.  

This is where I was faced with the most DIFFICULT DECISION of do we go out to a mega club or do we go get cheesy sausage?? which would you have chosen?? I completely folded under the pressure of such a monumental decision, and we ended up just staying at Pratersauna and eating spicy burgers.

Around 3am there was a silent disco room so we vibed on that for a while before heading home.

The next day, we rented a little putt putt motorboat and coasted up and down the river.  The weather was perfect, so for the whole day all we did was putter about, drink radlers (lemonade beer), and eat a picnic lunch from the turkish market.

Occasionally jumping in the river to cool off. 

The next day we  took a bus to a public pool up above the city where people go to drink and pretend they're in Los Angeles.  Mostly we just drank radlers and napped off our hangovers in the sun.

As the afternoon settled in, we walked to a little vineyard because we had run out of radlers and needed wine.

tweedle dee and tweedle dum

Essential cheese and meat board

We hung out and watched the sunset. It was very relaxing. 

until I saw a scary bug. it was huge. it was the biggest bug ever you guys, and it almost landed on me. I could have been killed. 

Fucking Dora the Explorer over here

The next day we decided to get out of the city.
two trains and a bus later, we were up in the mountains above Vienna.

Our destination was this quaint little mountain resort on the lake in Wolfgang Se, which was about a 30 minute hike from the bus station. 

Unfortunately, upon arriving, we were informed that the resort did not have our room available, because Harrison, in a moment of brilliance, had booked our stay for June instead of July, because he “thought ‘6' meant July.” 

Luckily for us the person in charge was a charming young lady named Kathi, who generously re-booked us in a giant cabin instead of the meager apartment we were supposed to have. 

This place was awesome. There were beds for eight people even though there were only three of us, we had a patio, a balcony, and A SAUNA.

The sauna was a little cramped for three, as you can see, but we still managed to all fit, and used it pretty much every chance we had.  At our finest moment, we stayed in for 15 minutes at 100 celsius.  We deserve a medal. 

By coincidence, our stay in Wolfgang Se happened to line up with the annual summer festival of something something I don’t know but everyone was drinking and eating food.  We went out in the town for dinner before the festivities started, but people were already getting really amped.  

There was yodeling. Oh yeah.  There was yodeling.  You guys think EDM gets you pumped up for going out and partying? Nothing gets you more excited to party and drink schnapps than yodeling.  It's magical.

Ah yes, the schnapps.

Ok full disclosure, I was not prepared for the force of nature that is schnapps.


For starters, when i think of schnapps, I think of something like this:

Which is 15 percent ABV, full of sugar, and generally not that exciting.  Well, everyone in Austria drinks schnapps.  Lots of places are famous for making their own homemade schnapps too, which, at a festival like this one, was a very celebrated presence. 

So we bought a 5th of apricot honey schnapps to enjoy as we walked around the festival after dinner.  

Now, two things.  One, this is not Dekuyper peach schnapps.  This is real, Austrian schnapps, which is around 45 percent ABV which is slightly more than your average hard liquor.  I did not know this, partially because it was SO DELICIOUS it tasted like apricot honey happiness.  

Secondly, when you eat a big meal with a high fat content, such as, say, schnitzel and pie, the fat in your stomach creates a shield which keeps alcohol from passing through your stomach wall into your blood stream. Basically you don’t feel the effects of what you’ve been drinking until the food starts to digest, and then kablooie you’re trashed. 

We walked around the festival, drinking and listening to oom-pah-pah bands.  I was wondering why people were staring with looks of concern and shielding their children as I was casually drinking schnapps STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE for the better part of an hour, thinking in my head that I was just having a pleasant, after dinner digestif.  Harrison helped, of course. 

Then at about the two hour mark, my protective fat-shield broke down and everything started to get fuzzy. 

I voiced my concern to Harrison that, despite having not had anything to drink for the last half hour, I seemed to be getting rapidly drunker by the minute. 

 Harry assured me that i was "not anywhere near drunk by Austrian standards” and that "people drink way heavier than this in the forests of Bavaria" and that I “need to eat three bosna”.  A bosna is an Austrian curry sausage.  It’s really good. 

Harry found a stray cat, and we decided that it should probably eat a bosna as well.  


However, street cats in Austria cannot be bothered with such pedestrian foods.

street cat was not amused. 

Shortly after finishing our bosna (which did NOT make us more sober), we ran into Kathi and some of her work friends, who were out at the festival as well.  They took us out clubbing, and bought us drinks, and the rest of the night gets reeeeally spotty.  

I took about 30 pictures, but they’re all blurry like this one.  After (two?...three..?) bars we went back to some guy's house, where I casually stepped off of his dock INTO THE LAKE.  That's when we decided it was probably time to go home. 

 Somehow, we did that, and passed out.  I slept in Harrison's bed.  We're still not sure how that happened. 

to call waking up the next morning “difficult” would be generous.  Turns out that drinking all that sugar creates an epic hangover (MORE SCIENCE) and we (mostly me) were hurting pretty bad.  We decided to rent kayaks and paddle off our hangovers on the Lake for a few hours. 

It was an effective cure, although I had to take a few breaks to moan and complain while Grace paddled our kayak by herself. 

haAay

We did some hiking, and met some alpaca.  They were skeptical of us until Harrison presented them with flowers to munch on, then they thought we were ok. 

We met up with Kathi, who somehow wasn't sick of us yet.  

Don't ask me how that happened, I figured we would never see her again after I stepped in the lake.

You guys. I stepped in the lake.

Kathi took us to the local spot, which was a farm restaurant where they made their own cider from scratch, called Most.  It's delicious, and more tart than sweet.  And pretty strong. 

Grace made a furry friend.

We got this INSANE meat and cheese board, that was pretty much the most delicious thing I've ever eaten in my life.  Everything on the board was made from animals on this farm.  That square dish on the left is just full of spreadable animal fat.  We ate the WHOLE PLATE it was all gone. Even the fat.  I got loopy from all the food and cider and started chanting "fat fat fat fatfatat", but then Grace got upset and made me stop. 

After all the food we went up into the hills to hike off all the fat and so that Grace could have her Sound of Music moment.  The view was pretty impressive. 

Grace is a little....ahem...behind on her blog posts, but be sure to check it out over there at www.gracehelen.com when she finally gets around to posting these ones, cause I'm sure they're better than mine. 

Majestic as fuck

The next day we said goodbye to Kathi, and headed out back to the city. Next: Berlin!